Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
