thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
