I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize