My first STD was from a foam party
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
