I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
