and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
