Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
