Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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