Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize