If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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