mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
