i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
