Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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