there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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