he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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