i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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