and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We talked him into tasing himself.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
