I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
