dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
