Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
