So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
