I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize