So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
