just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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