She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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