he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
