her vagine was all disorganized.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
