he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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