Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
