forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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