True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Come on in and take your pants off
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