My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
