spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
