just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
