textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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