my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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