take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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