i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
