Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
