All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
