shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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