Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
