i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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