I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
