I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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