Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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