Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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