you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
