Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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