areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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