I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
