I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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