I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
All the doctor said was why
You are a genius and a whore.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
