It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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