I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Randomize
