What a fucking waste of an outfit
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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