Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's like God shit irony all over that family
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
