I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
